Beruthiel (nineblackcats) wrote in poetryworkshop,
Beruthiel
nineblackcats
poetryworkshop

A kind of introduction...

It feels a little awkward to be posting here without having commented on anyone else's poetry yet, but I am dubious as to whether critiquing poetry from 6 months ago would be of any use to the people who posted it. Hmm.

Well - after a bit of deliberation, I thought I'd post this one... a sonnet in couplets that I wrote quite a while back, and a poem I want to develop to make it sound a little less... basic. It'll serve as a kind of self-introduction here, too, but it needs some work - I'd love to hear what you think needs help, either specifically or generally! 

Personally, I suspect the metaphor becomes a bit too clunky by my revealing its meaning in the 10th line... and I'm never entirely sure about whether I over-use punctuation.

The magpie
The magpie spent her life collecting
shiny, pretty things for nesting.

Burnished keys and tiny bells;
chocolate wrappers, pearly shells.

'Mongst shards of glass and polished stone,
her own reflection: monotone.

Embarrassed by her black-and-white,
she saw no point in taking flight.

Besides, joy came from other birds;
she sought new poets, craved more words.

A hungry thief, she saw no choice,
unaware she, too, had voice.

        Now the magpie spreads her wings,
        pulls in breath, and learns to sing.

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